So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
