you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
