did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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