i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize