Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
