Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
zippers are such a cool invention
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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