My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
