I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
