his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
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