its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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