So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
