I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
