Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
