And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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