We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
