i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize