I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
