I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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