that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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