i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
