you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
