I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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