I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
