imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just pee around me
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
