Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
