u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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