My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
