How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
