Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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