his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Randomize
