you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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