My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
