Just fell off a train. Bad.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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