Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
