I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
