Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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