Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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