I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
