mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
