Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
