That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize