Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
