wakey wakey hands off snakey
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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