Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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