life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
