this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
