Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
