Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
