dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
