You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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