You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
