I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
