Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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