Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
