I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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