The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
